My husband wants a threesome but I don't

Dear Edahn,

My husband and I have been married for several years now and have kids. He has been away on business and we have been sending racy texts to each other. (We miss each other very much!) Anyway, in one of the series of back and forth texting, he started opening up about all these fantasies he wants to carry out with me. Most of the stuff was classic porn things and I played along, excited to do them together. Then he wrote two things that seemed a little weird to me. 1. He wanted me to suck him while I’m on the toilet (which I don’t have a problem with, but I just wanted to know if that’s normal or disrespectful/degrading?) 2. He asked if I would allow us to bring a lesbian into the bedroom. He wants to see me with another woman, not because he wants to be with another woman. I kind of got hurt from that, but I didn’t dare show him because I was just so happy that he feels so open with me and I don’t want to ruin this new level of complete openness we have attained. I just am not sure if I should be hurt or not. Thanks in advance for your response.

I understand your dilemma, but you can't have "complete openness" if you don't feel comfortable saying no when you're not into something. Your declining his offer doesn't have to be a big deal. Just do your best to do it casually and get the conversation back on track. 

You could amiably reject his proposal and request a new one. You can also say something like "I'm not really into that, but I did like your other suggestion of..." You could even propose your own fantasy: "I'm not keen on the lesbian thing, but what if we tried [including a gay guy?] instead?"

Adding a little humor will also help soften the blow. (Regrettably, I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old Austin Powers.) You could try something  like: "I thought about it, and my answer is yes." He says "Really?!" and you say "No," followed by "What do I look like? A fucking wish-granting genie?" Option 2: "Nope. Better go return that new video camera and professional editing software." Option 3: "It's not that I'm not into lesbians, it's just that their penises are too small for me."

In the end, it's fine if you don't want to do something, especially something unconventional. Even if he gets disappointed for a little while, that's okay. He'll bounce back in a few days when you send him another salacious text message from the toilet. ;-) And no, I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. It's just healthy role-playing. Filthy, perverted, immoral role-playing. 

You might want to revisit the issue a little later once the lines of communication are more sturdy. I'd suggest doing a little introspection to pinpoint exactly what makes you uncomfortable about the situation and going from there. It might help to talk with your husband about your concerns. And you're welcome in advance. Please feel free to write in if there are some other issues you're having and please share the blog with some friends. That's the best way to show appreciation. Cheers!