How to overcome neediness

Hey Edahn,

I think I have a serious problem. Earlier I was ok with my boyfriend. I used to be happy with the attention I got but a little insecure that he did not need me as much as I needed him. But recently I have changed I seem to be touchy about everything. I am scared to hang up the phone thinking that he would not want me later. Scared that he will sleep and not think of me. I get edgy when he does not give me attention for 2 minutes. I want him to be passionate and charming all the time. And after having sex I want him to be dreamy. I think I am suffocating him and not giving him any space. I am not sure what issues I have that I don’t believe he misses me or wants me. I am not sure why I don’t want to let him go. I am scared he will not want me. All this is happening recently. I was never the one who does not give space to her partner. Please let me know how I can overcome this. Because of my issues we fight even though he is sweet. I am super touchy. I stopped being cute and sexy with him. Do let me know.

Well that sounds fun, lol.

You're worried that he's going to forget you and walk away, leaving you alone. That happens when you get too attached to a person and forget that you're actually okay without them. Sure, a break up will hurt and being alone may not sound too great, but you'll manage and adjust and figure something out. You'll cry, but then, inevitably, you'll be calm and start to feel complete again when you see that the only love you really need is your own. If you've been in a relationship before or lost something you were afraid of losing, you've probably experienced this transition from loss to calmness. 

So your goal is to realize that you really don't need anything from anyone to be really happy and okay. As you start to realize this, things in your relationship are going to shift around. You aren't going to be as worried all the time if he likes you because you're not going to be as afraid of what happens if he lets go one day. The way you feel and the way you interact might change too as you move from being needy to being authentic and secure. It'll feel natural, but you have to be open to something new forming...a new type of interaction, a new way of being in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you're not clear what that new relationship will look like because it'll feel natural. There's no way to fake it anyway.

So how to you realize all this? Really, you just need to slow down and think about it. Your mind and emotions have lured you into this state of confusion, but the only thing you need to remember is that you were okay before you met him. Being alone is okay. It can even be pretty great. Play the break up scene in your head right now. What would happen? What would he say? What would you say? What would happen to your feelings? How would you leave? How would you eventually heal? How would you feel at the end of your healing process? Take 4 minutes and play out the whole scenario in your head before reading on. Really, do it. Hold the feeling you would have at the end of the healing process for a full minute.

You would be fine.

And even better, you're fine right now. Underneath everything, you're still fine. You were always okay.

See? Let that knowledge guide you. Let it integrate into your being deeply. Anytime you're confused and feeling needy or uncentered, stop, take a second, and remember that underneath the confusion, you are okay.  You are already complete.