Should I be worried about my kink?
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| That girl is supa free-kay |
Dear Edahn,
I'm worried about a certain kink that turns me on. I'm a healthy, popular, pre-law 20 year old woman in the USA. I sometimes want to ask my 20 year old boyfriend to talk to me as if I'm a child in bed when we're having foreplay/sex.
To be clear, I don't want to dress up as a child, and I don't want to pretend that I am a child...I just want to be treated/spoken to as one. I just think I would be really turned on by him "teaching me" what to do in bed by telling me that I'm being a good girl and doing a good job; also encouraging/explaining what I should do every step of the way in a really sweet tone, the same way you would describe to a child how to tie their shoelaces. What makes me now nervous is that this is probably a way a pedofile would encourage/talk to a girl. Pedophilia is seriously disgusting to me which is why I'm confused that I could find anything remotely related a turn on. I haven't talked to anyone about this. My boyfriend probably would not be okay with this, so now I'm really worried that I'm abnormal. I should maybe add that I was molested as a child, but the abuse never involved speaking, and I was never forced to actively respond (I was touched while I was sleeping a few times). So I don't think this has anything to do with it, although it may be because I felt like my childhood was stolen and I had to grow up too fast?
This isn't a fetish..because from what I've learnt, a fetish is something you cannot go without. This is more of a kink..an occasional thing that just really turns me on. Help! Is this a really bad situation to be in?
BAD PSYCHOTHERAPISTS HAVE PERPETRATED a major crime against our culture. They've managed to convince us that everything that isn't extremely typical must be dysfunctional and must have some deep-seated, twisted, abhorrent root that must be examined and removed like a tumor. It's a terribly negative way to see the world, but more importantly, it's wrong. It's not wrong to think that past conditions coalesce and make you who you are today; it's wrong to focus exclusively on a few relationships to the exclusion of so many other factors and attribute the most sinister, unconscious motivations to people. /rant
The truth is, people are curious and playful and creative by nature. They experiment with roles and circumstances--especially forbidden ones--that place them in exciting, new terrain. And there's nothing bad about that or wrong with that. You don't need to feel guilty for anything. It doesn't mean you secretly want to be molested, if that's what you were thinking (although you're still in the running for Raging Pervert).
Lots of people, especially women, fantasize about submissive roles which is, by the way, how I'd characterize your fantasy. They try it on for a while and see how it goes. Sometimes they stick with it; other times they get bored and move on to something mellower or even kinkier, which I guess makes this a gateway kink. (Hah.) Really, there could be a lot of reasons a person would fantasize about a playing a submissive role, but I say what does it matter? If it's not ruining your life or the life of others, then you're fine. You can let go of all the worrying and stress and start having some fucking fun.
Finally, a tip: instead of bringing it up with your boyfriend in a formal conversation, try and say* things like "I like it when you tell me what to do" and when he does it, tell him (and show him) that it's turning you on. If he seems hesitant, you can always ask him to try it out and let him know he has the option to stop role-playing at any time. You can always seize that option too by saying something like "yeah, I'm over that now...how about you just fuck me." *cue this sound*
Lots of people, especially women, fantasize about submissive roles which is, by the way, how I'd characterize your fantasy. They try it on for a while and see how it goes. Sometimes they stick with it; other times they get bored and move on to something mellower or even kinkier, which I guess makes this a gateway kink. (Hah.) Really, there could be a lot of reasons a person would fantasize about a playing a submissive role, but I say what does it matter? If it's not ruining your life or the life of others, then you're fine. You can let go of all the worrying and stress and start having some fucking fun.
Finally, a tip: instead of bringing it up with your boyfriend in a formal conversation, try and say* things like "I like it when you tell me what to do" and when he does it, tell him (and show him) that it's turning you on. If he seems hesitant, you can always ask him to try it out and let him know he has the option to stop role-playing at any time. You can always seize that option too by saying something like "yeah, I'm over that now...how about you just fuck me." *cue this sound*
* I mean, do this as you're messing around, not, like, when you're ordering coffee or doing your homework. That would just be awkward. "You'll have the soy latte," he whispers. Yeahhhnot so much.