How Do I Stay Happy Doing Things I Don't Want To?

Dear Edahn,

I know I have shared with you some awkward dating situations however I recognize those moments now, as only a distraction. What are we here for? I believe it is to share something beautiful with others. I just hope that I am able to properly manifest and convey this intention. I truly respect what you do and how you help others and I am very appreciative. 

Right now I am having a moment of peace, but I was wondering how to remain peaceful and still believe in yourself when someone else has control over your future. (I have to meet certain criteria to graduate and am having trouble.) God I just want to be free! Life is too beautiful to be bound by unnecessary judgements and seemingly daunting obstacles. I truly believe in progress! I just want to dive into my career.

IT SEEMS TO ME that we have different concepts of what it means to be free. On the one hand, you can think of freedom as being able to do what you want, whenever you want. That's definitely "free," but it's not a very sustainable freedom because you're bound to get sucked back into the web of obligations and responsibilities.

As much as you (or I) want, we can't really ever escape our obligations. It's a natural part of life. As a meerkat has to wake up every morning and go forage with its group, a child has to go to preschool and a CEO has to go to work. These obligations have to be met in order to survive and make progress. No amount of technology or absence of technology will help you completely avoid your daily obligations. The trick is to find the balance between resisting your responsibilities and indulging in them.

Some people deal with responsibilities by resistance. They may pretend like their obligations don’t exist or run away from them or fill up their time with so many other trivialities so they can convince yourself that there’s just no time left to do what they need to do. They have no tolerance for discomfort. On the other end of the spectrum is indulgence. These people consume themselves with what they have to do. I have to do this, then that, then – oh, and absolutely hate doing that – and then I have to get here, and – omg I’m so stressed out! OMG, shut up.

The first person is avoiding their obligations; the second person is using their obligations to avoid their life. By overloading their schedule, they never have to sit still and face the feelings of boredom or depression or anxiety or inferiority that naturally come up. Erick Berne, the genius who invented Transactional Analysis called this “time-structuring” and said it was how people distracted themselves of their existential ennui. Clever, clever.

There’s an ideal amount of attention a person should devote to their obligations. That ideal amount takes practice and experimentation and adjustment, but it’s not hard to reach. You accept that you have to do certain things to live and reach your goals and you do them. You don’t do them and complain the whole time (sometimes is fine, though) and you don’t run away from them like a coward. And you don't have to pretend like you absolutely love them either. You just do ‘em and move on. (That also happens to me my college roommate’s motto, but that’s beside the point.) That doesn’t mean you should accept every single obligation that comes your way. Be smart. If the payoff is worth the effort, then do it and do it well, even if it sucks. 

When you keep that attitude the reward isn’t just the final product. The work itself becomes a form of art and a source of pride--a reward in itself. The freedom you get is the freedom to accept the realities of life with dignity and intelligence.

To submit a question to me click here or send an email to AskEdahn@gmail.com.