How to Find a Wife or Husband

Hi Edahn,

I am a 30 year old woman single mommy of one son. I am almost done with my BA at university and plan to go to the Law School shortly after for corporate law, but I am so utterly driven by finding a husband or at least a boyfriend it's awful.

I am very intelligent and I don't drink. I think these are some reasons men don't approach me. I'm fairly attractive as well (verified with a PG-rated pic sent in–Edahn) so my friends say I might be intimidating. I think it's my kiddo sometimes because most men don't want that... So what the heck am I do wrong? I've tried online dating and met a BUNCH of weirdos and I go out with my friends and look pretty n wait but nothing. My mom says I should dye my hair brown because I look like a bimbo and then when people talk to me they realize I am intelligent and it's not working? Where should I go to meet a decent man? I really want more children.

MY REACTION TO the “weirdos” from the online dating world: 

In the course of dating, people tend to acquire a lot of baggage. Some of the baggage is obvious and external, meaning, dating changes the way you perceive the dating world. Most people become jaded and resentful and form pretty depressing views of others. The other type of baggage is internal, and it’s a lot more subtle. That type of baggage is the way dating changes your view of yourself. In some cases, you might start to think you’re undateable because you’re not good enough for others. (Some of these ideas might have already been swimming around since childhood and now have an opportunity to resurface.) Other times you might start to think you’re undateable because you’re too good. It gets even trickier: sometimes dating changes the way you think about yourself because it makes the parts of your personality that others consider important more salient, so you start caring more about them.

Okay, so what the hell am I talking about? You’ve got you. Who are you? What makes you you? We could argue for hours and cite philosophers and therapists, but really, what makes you you is a fundamental kindness, a goodness, something fragile that’s also incredibly strong and humble. Someone who wants to connect with others, cared and be cared for, and live with joy and subtle smiles. There’s humor, intelligence, and a gentle capacity for reflection, not just in you, but in all of us. That person is the person who’s always there and has been there since childhood. That’s the person who is guaranteed to lead a satisfying life composed of a series of beautiful moments, regardless of whether they get married or not. That’s the real you.

We forget that all the time, sometimes for years at a time. Some people never even remember it, and that’s the worst tragedy. We start to think of ourselves as different people as we identify with the roles we play. At work, we identify with our work roles, then we go home and identify with our family roles or our social roles. When people ask us casually to tell them about who we are, we launch into a set of facts and stories that conjure up an image of who we are, but it’s only an image, like a hologram. Our education, jobs, income, looks, health, all holograms. The struggles we face, our luck, our philosophies and world of preferences, all holograms. It’s not that they’re not real—it’s that they’re not the real you.

As long as you think of yourself as a person with challenges, as a person who’s pretty (too pretty, even) or too educated, or even as a person with a child, you’re always going to be out of touch with the real you (your spirit for lack of better term). Being in touch with the real you isn’t just the best way to make a connection with another being, it’s the only way to make a connection with a person. Everything else is just intellectual heady bullshit—holograms meeting holograms.

I want you to think about these ideas. Just be open to them, even if they don’t seem to solve your problem right away and even if some things don’t seem to fit into your worldview just yet. Let it marinate for a bit. Visualize the real you and how she might look if she was at a park with her son, talking to a nice stranger, or at the beach, taking a stroll and talking to a neighbor with a warm smile and patient eyes, no makeup, talking about how beautiful the colors of the sunset look. Feel how it feels to be her. See how she has no baggage in that moment? She’s just who she is, without the burdens and pressures of…well…everything. Remember what it’s like to be her, and I think you’ll find what it is you’re looking for. Maybe you’re not really looking for a guy after all, but something even greater.

Peace & Kindness,
Edahn

Send questions to askedahn@gmail.com
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